Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
