Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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