Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
