think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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