I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
You can't motorboat a personality
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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