I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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