The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I understand Curling. That high.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
