you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Randomize
