mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
there's paper in my vomit.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
You made out with two different species that night
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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