My sheets look like a crime scene.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
how drunk are you?
Several
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
