the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I just threw up on my dentist
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I wish i was in the wii world.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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