I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
