I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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