I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
