I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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