Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
this will be a night to untag.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
