i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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