hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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