I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
