Where is the hickey?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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