Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
