I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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