the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
