You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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