I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
