if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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