I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
