nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
