I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
