I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
