i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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