Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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