your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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