What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
