The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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