6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
