he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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