this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
