it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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