So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
