im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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