like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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