I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
