I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
