I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
