she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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