the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
my liver is dry heaving
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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