I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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