dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
