I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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