I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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