I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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