legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
