I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
