worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
