Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
