Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
