you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
